Goodbye Australia

the first two ports of call on this epic voyage were Adelaide and Freemantle.

We had rough weather between the two and windy conditions made for an extra night in both Adelaide and Freemantle.

On a long cruise like this and taking off in the Australian winter, I suppose this is to be expected.

Anyway it gave me time to settle into the solo travelling life, and to get used to sitting alone in the buffet and at other places, while having some time with my new friends in the evenings.

This feels like a whole new world to me. I don't have many (any) friends, and everything we used to do was just the two of us. So strange, different and yet exciting times.

I wish I could say I was emotionally more stable, but I was certainly not.

During the day I was generally fine, but when alone in the middle of the night the old horrors came flooding back. More than once I have used the therapists advice of being present and trying to lean into the emotions - not easy, but doable in the long run.

This is why I call total bullshit on the "stages of grief". I can go through seven stages in six seconds and still have no outcome. Its bollocks to think that the trajectory of your grief will follow a predictable path.

I am not predictable, and neither are you. Our relationship was not predictable, no ones is, and my new unsolicited life is certainly not predictable. Therefore why should my or your grief be chartable or somehow judged on how far you've come and which "stage" you can expect next.

One day I'm great and the next I'm worse than day 1.

For whatever reason, one of the worst days was leaving Australia. It started out lovely, with the excitement of the sailaway from Freemantle.

However when we passed this - I completely lost my shit. What am I fucking doing?

Why did I decide to do this?

This is too much for me?

What the absolute fuck was I thinking?

There were so many cars tooting horns, and waving people saying goodbye. So emotional.

So I had a wine and felt a little better. As you do.

I also had a little (large) meltdown in a bar, and the universe put the sweetest loveliest hugging person right beside me, and we have been friends ever since. She is an absolute gem.

It stemmed from seeing so many couples on the ship who truly seem not to give a fuck about eachother. Bickering and arguing or just sitting ignoring eachother. I was chatting about this and suddenly started to bawl. Luckily she fully understood, and is still on notice not to argue with her husband when I'm around :)

So off we sailed into the blue. And into my new life...